Featured

The Trouble with having a “cool” Boss

This is why I started this blog.

Don’t trust him.
— My boss.

I’ve met a lot of brilliant minds working in tech. Unfortunately, a lot of the smartest people I’ve worked with have such a poor grasp on empathy — among other things.

One of the most brilliant people I met was my boss. He was new to his big role as the owner of this growing new tech start-up, and despite my lack of experience, he hired me. I was more than excited to be in the tech, as it was a dream of mine to be part of that industry. Fast forward a couple of years, and I’ve learned that brains are not the end all be all, to say the least.

Don’t get me wrong — my boss is probably what most would say an ‘ideal’ boss. He was far from a micro manager, he provided enough guidance yet gave me enough leadership and autonomy quite early in the job. He was the “cool” boss people could be friends with to some degree (he was still a boss, after all).

The caveat was that he might’ve been too cool.

Many tech companies today strive to be seen as a fun, ideal workplace. I realized that though this seemed to be a promising direction to be headed for a better work environment, it comes with its cons as well.

My boss seemed to forget the where to draw the line between cool and professional.

Take for instance this interesting quote I got from him during a formal meeting with other managers:

Don’t trust him. He’ll also steal your work, and throw you under the bus. Also, he cheated on his wife.
— My boss.

He was talking about another colleague, and though he meant well, it didn’t really come off great. I’m not too sure how our conversation took this turn, but either way, was it really something that should have been said in a formal meeting? I wanted to take a closer look at how better soft skills could’ve helped my boss communicate such a thought in a better way, because there always is a better way.

Maybe:

“I would recommend not to pitch all your best ideas to him yet. I trust you to be a good judge of character.”
– In another world, this would be something I’d rather hear.

That’s just one way I believe he could’ve filtered himself. If he chose to share the adulterer part in a bar, during an office party, maybe i’d let it slip.

He would often use this kind of communication, regardless if it was to bash another person, or to ‘protect’ his team. It was a strange to work with someone who would so easily taint the name of a person whom I’ve never met. He would get mad at people who would resign rather than try to be empathetic. He would say, “good riddance” in front of his team. It makes you uneasy if he could do that same to you. My boss was brilliant, but at times, he was clearly too transparent. To be fair to him, many people probably agreed with his otherwise too-out-there thoughts, but professionalism should have taught him to keep these things to his wife instead.

This habit of his has not eluded the rest of the company; and by strange example, the sort of too honest culture has been practiced by other potential leaders and managers. This attitude can turn into something very catastrophic for the company in the long run (you can imagine, I’m sure).

Moral of the story: if you are a under any position of influence in a company, then yes, filtering yourself will be part of the job.

Sadly, these are few of many different occurrences, and this is where I decided how important soft skills are. Knowing when the best time and place is to say something, and how to say it. Communication, professionalism, maturity, empathy, and attitude were just some of the skills I had learned were essential to be worthy of respect. It’s also just a few of the things you need to get more clients, work with partners and potential investors, and grow your company.

With more and more value put into IQ in this age of information, we shouldn’t forget what is constant. In this blog, I share my experiences and leanings as I grow and improve my soft skills.

Got an Emotional Boss? 5 Tips to Dealing with your Moody Manager

We’ve heard it before. From the “You have to catch him in a good mood before you request him anything,” to the “Poor applicant’s in it ’cause the boss is in a mood,” line from your co-workers. There are definitely different versions to these statements, and we’ve all had bosses that were either really great for the most part, but had their moments on one or two more occasions.
This article is not about critiquing those moody bosses – those bosses who lash out on their employees, or those bosses you feel you are stepping on eggshells around. As much as I would like to find a fix for this, it’s virtually impossible to create a one-stop-shop solution for emotional bosses. What is almost the best solution though, is figuring out how to respond; instead of fighting your boss head on, or stooping down to the same level.

On a side note, to the bosses or future managers reading this: Yes, we are all human, susceptible to anger and frustration. Bosses are people too. The truth of it though, is in fact, there is MORE pressure for you bosses out there to keep a level-head when the going gets tough. It goes without saying that your people depend on you to be the most sensible person left when there are difficult issues that arise in the company.
This is why you are called MANAGERS. You are expected to know how to manage people, and this includes regulating your emotions.

We are all responsible with how we face emotions that make or break how people see and respect us. No one wants to be “that guy” people will always secretly want to complain to HR about.

Here is my top 5 advise for people who are currently in high-stress, high-pressure workplace environments that deal with emotional bosses:

Ask yourself: Is my boss REALLY overly and unproductively emotional? A few things I notice that becomes a pattern of overly emotional bosses: (1) S/he uses unprofessional and personal words to describe you or others, calling you insensitive, selfish, arrogant, and the like on a regular basis. (2) S/he becomes moody, irritable and hard to approach at random days. (3) S/he is OVERLY friendly and nice to some people, then cold or irritable to others. (4) His/her emotions affect interviews, feedback, decisions, etc. If you see a lot of these and more,then the signs might point to yes.
Take a step back and know where the frustration is coming from, and become self-aware of your emotions. Note that responding doesn’t have to be immediate (in fact, I recommend you give yourself a breather before you do, especially if it’s something you can take your time to respond on such as an email), but your first step is at least being self-aware. By doing this, you can understand not just the situation but WHY you are having a certain emotion. It can help you regulate it, and give you an idea as to whether or not it’s even worth all our energy in the first place. i.e. I had a boss that called me “insensitive,” in a situation, where I believe I didn’t deserve to be. I took a step back, realized where he was coming from, and tried to understand that maybe he was frustrated himself, could not find the right words, and ended it at that. It did hurt me, but I got over it, knowing that my boss was in an emotional state as well. On another note, know when you shouldn’t be a push-over. My example was a first time, so I didn’t let it get the best of me.
Set boundaries with your boss. Keep things friendly, but not to the extent where you’ve become so much like best friends, s/he would be able to become moody with you. I understand this dynamic can work for others, but this can also become a two-edged sword. Make sure you know what you’re in for if you become too close with an overtly emotional boss. In addition, distance yourself as much as you can without sacrificing your work relationship. If there is no need to spend extra time with them, don’t do it, especially if it affects your well-being.
Do work well, and do not give him/her any bullets against you. It would be obvious that if you do all your work with quality, there would be no reason to deal with moodiness. If s/he has too much meltdowns or moodiness to handle despite a job well done, then it’s time to examine tip #5.
Know your limits. If you have the capability to do so and you feel like your boss is bordering on abusive or manipulative, leave. As they say, “do not kill yourself over a company that will replace you in a matter of days.”
* A bonus tip: knowing your bosses’ personality type can help you know his/her triggers and responses to these. Being aware of this can also keep you one step ahead before s/he even begins to become irritable.

I’d like to end this on a positive note: remember that we all have our days, but it’s up to us how we manage the tough ones and express it to others. I’ve met a lot of great, level-headed bosses who you can depend on when everything’s run amok. Stick with these people, and don’t forget to take notes.

Ending Mental Health Stigma in the Workplace

Since becoming part of the workforce, I’ve heard this question very often from job seekers:

“Do you have mental health benefits or support?”

The answer is quite simple, you’d think. If you are an employer, you would say one of two things:

Yes, we do. We are supportive of everyone and anyone who needs mental health support, just as we do for those who have physical ailments. or;
Not at the moment, but we are working on getting such benefits to support those who may need it. We fully acknowledge that addressing mental health illnesses are just as important as physical illnesses.

You hear this a lot, but is it truly practiced by employers today?

Surprisingly, despite many studies that show how important acknowledging mental health support is in the workplace, only a certain percentage of companies actually do have support for this. Based on my experience, a lot of even new self-proclaimed “progressive” companies, in fact, don’t even believe in this.

Stigma in the workplace

Unfortunately, many bosses I’ve met cringe at the phrase, “mental health,” and assume that a person who has a mental health illness is crazy and cannot work in a high-stress environment. I was personally offended, having a very successful mother despite her clinical depression. The stigma is so strong that I had an experience where a previous manager called one of his staff weak because s/he had been suffering from depression and had requested a different supervisor. I for one, had worked with that supervisor and believe that the person’s concerns were quite valid.

I’ve even heard others call depression a “fad” and a “trend.”

Don’t be like those people; let’s educate ourselves. There are more instances of these because we are finally understanding the phenomena. It has always been there, but we never had a name for them. It is not something “popular” that people decide to have.

We are making small strides, particularly in the Philippines, after the Mental Health Act was passed.

In passing the Mental Health Act (Republic Act No. 11036), the government took a step towards affirming the right of all Filipinos, not only the workers, to good mental health and mental health services…Furthermore, employers are now required to develop appropriate policies and programs on mental health in the workplace…
Martin Luigi Samson, Writer
BusinessWorld
Article LINK

Unfortunately, it will take time until before these practices are enacted and truly observed in more workplaces.

Start small: Be careful of what you say

You don’t know everyone’s situation. Insulting someone and calling them weak might lose you respect from staff who has direct ties with someone with a similar situation, or worse, if they themselves are going through the same thing. I’ve met a lot of people with mental health illnesses that are successful in their jobs.

We need to debunk these myths, and start supporting people with these conditions instead of call them “weak” or “crazy.” One small step we can take next to acknowledging this as valid is to be OPEN to conversing with people who want to discuss these (without calling them weak or sensitive behind their backs).

This is where empathy and sensitivity comes in. Are you truly a “progressive” company or boss like many claim to be today? Do you walk the walk or are you all talk?

More resources:

PHL confronts costs, effects of issues on mental health

Wellness in the workplace: Why companies should start paying attention to their employees’ mental health

How the Mental Health Act affects employees

The Power of Grit and Overcoming Instant Gratification

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, Grit is : a hard sharp granule (as of sand). But it’s also a firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger managed to survive by his grit and guile.

Instant Gratification is another term that comes to mind when we discuss the concept of grit. Positivepsychology.com defines this as the temptation, and resulting tendency, to forego a future benefit in order to obtain a less rewarding but more immediate benefit.

As a Millennial myself, I’ve gotten sick of the term and how it has helped define a whole generation in yet another negative light. I’m not here to argue or debunk any misconceptions about these generalizations, but I have to admit, there is some truth to instant gratification being a thing of the present based on my experience (not limited to millennials, to clarify).

Starting out in an entry-level job then working my way up to management proved to be challenging. I noticed that compared to many friends of mine, a lot have moved between jobs within the span of 6 months to a year.

I was one of the few lucky ones who got into the industry I immediately wanted. I was the few lucky ones who managed to jump into a strong start-up that allowed me to become a manager within a few years. In larger, older, and more established companies, the climb up that corporate ladder takes much longer. This isn’t limited to the corporate world, mind you. This can apply to those who aspire to start their own business and become an entrepreneur.

I acknowledge the struggles that come with today’s job seekers and entrepreneurs – it’s definitely not as easy as before, and those who have succeeded much earlier on had more resources and people to back them up in case of failure. Most of us don’t have that luxury (not invalidating their hard work of course), but I want to focus beyond all that.

Going back to grit.

For those who have graduated in prestigious schools, I’ve seen way too many of them decline entry-level jobs due to generally lower salary and benefits despite the potential for growth. They expect much higher price tag due to their schooling, which to some degree is of course reasonable, but they can’t seem to balance this with the expectations of the real world. Again, setting aside the horrible economy we are in, I realized that one thing that people who expect so much immediately lacks one thing: having a vision for the long-term.

After I graduated, I came across a fork in the road: I had an option to choose between a job with a very high salary in a very well-known company. I was chosen among very few top candidates, and I was very much humbled to be given this rare offer. Conversely, I had another offer – one of the start-up that was in its humble beginnings, maybe just 20-30 employees present, with a very sub-par salary and quite frankly, practically non-existent benefits. It took sometime to weigh what I really wanted, but in the end, after weeks and weeks of thinking:

I chose the second option. I knew that despite the immediate satisfaction of the first company’s salary, I would not have grown into a leadership role (which is really what I want) at the rate I have now. I was given more than I bargained for in terms of work, yes, but none that I regret. It took a lot of grit, and a lot of going back and forth of resigning many times due to the amount of work vis-a-vis my paycheck, but I can say that I’ve grown so much more than I could have ever imagined. I pictured this: if I can grow into a leadership role but it doesn’t turn out well with the company I chose, I would still be very valuable to other companies later on.

I am coming from a place of privilege, just to point that out. I was able to accept the job with a low salary because I had an option to to live with my parents comfortably. I acknowledge not all of us have that option.

I am still working my way up to becoming financially stable. All my choices meant sacrificing being able to live on my own and being able to live the independent life I wanted so badly. I made that tough decision because of my goal to rise up the ranks and become part of a pioneer industry, and I saw that the long-term vision I had was well worth it. Sometimes I wonder if I ever made the right decision, but through the years, I’ve been slowly feeling the fruits of my labor. It has been 3 years, and there will be definitely more years to come before I would consider myself financially stable and successful. This is a small example of what grit means, in my opinion.

Today, I have friends who have left the company (and other similar established companies) that offered high starting salaries to pursue something more meaningful to them.

If we could start looking at the long-term, we would be able to power through difficult choices and situations to achieve our dreams. It will never be overnight. It will never be just a year. It will definitely take a LOT more time, as all things will (unless you’re one of the few lucky and extraordinarily brilliant ones).

The question is, are you willing to go through all that and reject the temptations of short-term gratification for your long-term success?

Bonus resource: In this Ted Talk, Angela Duckworth, the world’s leading expert on this topic, shares how it is an important ingredient to success.

Communicating Positively: How to Give Quality Feedback without Sounding like a Jerk

“The excel sheet you made is really disorganized and confusing.”
-I heard it through the grapevine

Test time! How could anyone have said that better?

Just one possible way: “Can you clarify a few things you made in the excel so I can better understand?”

I thought the attitude of being kind towards colleagues was something second-nature to people. Imagine my surprise when I realized, actual jerks existed. Granted, my example was definitely NOT the worst of it; I’m sure more people can give me far more interesting examples based on experience.

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not calling everyone who talk this way jerks. Neither am I saying that we should always filter ourselves just so someone doesn’t get hurt. It will happen; but what’s important is knowing how to strike that balance of critique and kindness.

My rule of thumb is to ask yourself: Would you want to hear someone tell you that?

I understand there are true meanies out there who have complete disregard for people’s feelings, but there are those who have hope: those who just need a little help expressing and communicating.

An important note: the people who are OPEN TO CHANGING are the only ones who can be helped.

I’ve met several people who insisted that their way was the only way, and had such difficulty listening to feedback.

I worked with one person who was resistant to feedback. I had just shared that the image he was working on needed to be re-edited (a second time). Prior to this, throughout the process, he kept reasoning out why his image looked the way it did and why it shouldn’t be changed. After explaining why certain shots did not work, he no longer wanted to work on it and gave up on the project (yikes!).

With that, here are some of my tips for delivering quality feedback.

10 Tips: Delivering quality feedback

Think before you speak. It seems all too basic, but this is oftentimes one step we overlook. When we realize the damage done, it’s too late.
When it comes to emails, it’s so much easier to check yourself: get another colleague to read the draft email (assuming they are allowed to see the information), to really check if your comments are appropriate.
Learn to positivize your statements. Instead of saying, “you shouldn’t do this,” you can start saying “it could be more efficient if you did this.” Don’t forget you can mention that your recommendation is also beneficial to them, i.e. “doing this can save you a lot of time!”
Make it timely, so that the person receiving the feedback understands not only what they did but why it can be improved at the right time. This can help get your point across better. Also, no one wants to hear negative feedback on something they did a year ago (unless it’s really relevant at present).
Be open to questions, and even being challenged. I cannot stress this enough. Be ready to explain why your feedback is such, as this can help not only the receiver grow and understand, but for you to see if your critique is clear, concise, and understood. Heck, you might be even wrong, and you should be open to that as well.
Don’t be afraid to give some good feedback! You can always mention what things someone is doing well too, especially during performance reviews.
Do it privately or with the right people. Your whole department doesn’t need to know. It can also feel demoralizing if someone is criticized in front of colleague, I think that goes without saying.
Criticize one at a time where relevant. Don’t create a long memo breaking down all their mistakes.
Understand that your feedback might be needed again. Change and adjustment takes time, and if there will be a need to reiterate your feedback (hopefully this won’t be the 4th or 5th otherwise a new tactic might be needed), be prepared to do so.
Learn to adjust to different people. Some people will be receptive to feedback, while others might have a bit of difficulty with it. Others might be able to implement changes right away, some might not be able to adjust immediately. Have patience and you will be able to get through!

There are many more ways to deliver quality feedback, and to be true to my words, I’d be open to receive yours if you have any suggestions on this article.

Nix

Who am I?

A Communications and Advertising major person working in the tech industry, I have dealt with managers, CEOs, pioneers – – the head honchos, to the juniors and interns. Despite varying levels of experience and technical expertise among different people, soft skills, I’ve observed, are not always directly dependent on someone’s seniority.

My expertise lie in Communication (visual design, writing, and speech) – – oftentimes something seen as a SOFT SKILL, among many others. I believe skills such as these are not merely secondary. Today, more and more employers look for flexible, open, teachable people rather than smart but unteachable ones.

My focus on this blog is to help you use and maximize communication and many other soft skills as your tool to propel you forward into your career.

WHY DID I START THIS BLOG?

Check out my story here.